Trump As A Whale Psychiatrist?

Imagining him living his dream, as revealed on Joe Rogan's podcast

People have been talking about it, and I’ve been thinking about it. Whale psychiatry, folks. You’ve got these magnificent creatures—big, beautiful whales. I know whales, believe me. I know more about whales than anyone. They need help. They’re troubled, they're stressed, they have PTWD: Post-Traumatic Windmill Disorder. And who better to fix that than me?

Day One: "Trump, You’re a Whale Whisperer"

You walk up to a whale—it’s got problems, it’s got issues. I get it. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood, right? Here’s this giant, beautiful whale, just sitting in the ocean, making sounds. And you know what? They’re not happy sounds. They’re worried, folks. They’re worried about what’s happening out there.

They told me, “Mr. Trump, you’ve got to help us. Nobody understands us like you do.” I listened. Tremendous listener. So, I’m nodding along, and I say, “Look, it’s going to be fine. We’re going to make the oceans great again.” They love it.

The Therapy Techniques: Unbelievable

People say, “Trump, how do you talk to a whale?” They’re expecting some kind of sciencey stuff, fancy degrees—believe me, you don’t need that. What these whales need is confidence. They need to feel big, strong, proud. I call it *Fin-tegration Therapy.* You won’t hear that from anyone else. Only Trump.

I say, “Whale, you’re strong. You’re massive. You’re probably the biggest thing in the ocean.” They like that. Whales are all about confidence. You get a whale thinking positively, it’ll dive right back into that ocean, feeling on top of the world. And they owe it all to me, which they’re not afraid to say.

Handling Different Whales – Yes, They’re All Different

I’ve dealt with blue whales, humpbacks, orcas—you name it. Every single one has its own issue. They’re unique. I had one come up to me, very emotional, saying, “They’re calling me fat.” Terrible. So I tell this whale, “You’re not fat. You’re tremendous. Nobody swims like you.” Boom! Problem solved.

Then you’ve got dolphins—they’re the life of the ocean, always smiling, but there’s drama there too. “Boundary issues,” they call it. I don’t know about that. I just tell them, “You do you, but don’t forget who the big fish are.” They get it.

The Hard Questions: They Ask Me the Tough Stuff

There are some heavy things. “Mr. Trump, why is there so much trash in the ocean?” I tell them, “Listen, I don’t like it either, but we’re working on it.” And they understand. They know that I know more about clean water and clean air than anyone. And I’ll fix it. I know how to get things done.

How to Become a Whale Psychiatrist: Trust Me, It’s Not Hard

If you want to be a whale psychiatrist like me, here’s what you need: confidence, a great suit, and maybe a chair that floats (believe me, it helps). You don’t need books. Just show up, tell them they’re amazing, and they’ll swim away happier than ever. And they’ll thank you. That’s a promise.